d i z t o p i a

Time Warner Cable Guide Poetry Corner

Wednesday 8 P.M.

A beating death leads to teenagers.
The men undergo a body shave; two are eliminated.
A man has 24 hours to find his kidnapped son.
African prince and royal sidekick come to Queens.
The city becomes a glittering wonderland for dreams.
The hunting and survival methods of the polar bear.
Charlotte; brooch; chest of drawers.
Fifty million people are plunged into total darkness.
Proposing; skydiving; flooded street.
A man seeks revenge against a bully.
A female party-goer claims self-defense after killing her attacker.
Un complot de intriga y secretos oscuros.
A herpetologist helps a detective track her flushed-away pet, now a king-size mutant called Ramone.
An escaped convict evades the police and a hit man who thinks he is someone else.
Yucatan lime soup; seviche; chicken; chocolate-banana desserts.
The bride wears stripes; the flower girls wear gorilla suits.
Groom's sister thinks the bride is a killer.
New Yorkers look into a neighbor's death.
A seductress blackmails a married salesman.
Detective exits coma, enters murder mystery.
A private eye cannot seem to get away from a gambler and his no-good girlfriend.
Adam's disturbed friend abandons his family.
Behind the scenes; animals in rehearsal.
Deaths caused by spontaneous combustion.
The most notorious weather events in recent years.
A busy man's wife has their porch renovated.
The weatherman tells of his gastric bypass surgery.
New Jersey Cardinals at Staten Island Yankees.
Pyramids of Egypt.
Latest news and action from the world of golf.
Adrenaline pumping sports.
A couple needs help with a large basement.
A boor causes trouble during Hanukkah.
Un hombre intenta vengarse de un asesino.

Cold War Battles Silently Waged Against My Roommate

The Battle of Plastic Bags: Shopping bags from various venues are stored in the space between the wall and the kitchen cabinets. These are recycled for use in trashcans and to transport my lunch to work. However, there is a threshold plastic bag population that causes my roommate to throw them all away. Not just the excess, but all the bags. To me, this threshold seems a little low. Due to post-culling lack of bags, I have on one or two occasions had to use other, inappropriately large bags to transport my lunch, much to my chagrin. However, the bag-massacres occur when I'm out of the apartment, so there is little I can do.
Victor: Roommate.

The Battle of Cheap Toilet Paper: Both the roommate and I prefer purchasing massive blocks of bulk toilet paper rolls. However, she tends to get the cheapest kind, which, while economical and long-lasting, feels like sandpaper on my tender parts. Only recently did I find a nearby place that sells the good stuff in bulk, which is what we're living off of now. I'm hoping long-term exposure to soft, cushy, decadent TP will make a return to the harsh paper intolerable when it's the roommate's turn to lay in supplies.
Victor: Undecided.

The Battle of Air Conditioning: My roommate does not like air conditioning, and has therefore forbid its introduction to the apartment at large. She's on the lease and I'm not, so I have no apparent recourse on hot days but to retreat to my small AC-cooled room or flee the property entirely.
Victor: Roommate.

The Battle of the Big TV: I purchased and installed a large television when I moved in, since the roommate only had a tiny, non-cable-ready, black-and-white TV (!!!!) that sat comically atop a spindly wrought-iron endtable. When the roommate saw the big TV, she decried it as intimidating, and proposed clothing it in some kind of emasculating television shawl so it wouldn't dominate the room. This never happened.
Victor: Me.

The Battle of the Cabinet Under the Sink: The sink cabinet is a hideous, ancient monstrosity, made out of sheet metal and half rusted out (it has no back at all on its wall side). It resembles a pretend sink cabinet included in half-size toy kitchen sets. The fact that the right-hand door didn't close always irritated me (its clasp had long ago rusted away). I spent a good hour sweatily installing a jury-rigged clasp into the bare metal of door and cabinet. However, because it involves shifting the door a little to properly close, the roommate leaves the door mostly open.
Victor: Roommate.

The Battle of When Will My Friend Leave: My friend has not left.
Victor: Me.

Beetlemania

During my recent vacation back in Alabama, a friend of mine threw a party at his house. Late in the evening, I was conversing with another guest when a giant, horned beetle (scroll down for pic) hoovered up from the deck and buzzed unsteadily at eye level. I shrieked like a preschooler, as did the young lady I was talking with. We both recoiled, regained some measure of dignity, and pointed out the beetle to the other guests. Most all of us had lived in Alabama or the South for significant majorities of our collective lives, but no one had seen this beast before. Since it was dark, we also didn't realize how yellow the critter was until we saw the photos.

Anyway, the redoubtably prolific John Hicks suggested this was a rhinoceros beetle, pointing out specifically a page with an example of Dynastes granti. However, something in that photo didn't look quite right, and I realized that our beetle's horns were shorter; I also found after a little research that D. granti is confined to the American Southwest, particularly Arizona. Further poking around revealed that our bug was actually a unicorn (or eastern hercules) beetle, Dynastes tityus.

Fascinating, no? No? No?!? Well, maybe, but you see, this is all my brilliant lead-in to post another short story, originally published in the 1998 issue of Limestone, the University of Kentucky's litmag. Coi-inci-dentally, the story is entitled "Dynastes Hercules". (D. hercules, pictured above, is the real big daddy of scary giant beetles, and fortunately it lives mostly in South and Central America, or else it would have killed us all by now.) The piece doesn't make me cringe (too much) on rereading now, so I suppose it won't hurt (too much) to inflict it upon the unsuspecting net. Story follows, so enjoy, If You Dare.

I clear the thicket

[Here's a selection from the fiction vault ... Faulknerian Ripoffology 101. Yes, it's filler day ... more pertinence and quality to come in future.]

I clear the thicket. why does one day follow another. I spend all my day cutting cutting cutting but theres never nothing there no. Harry is under the grass somewhere and I got to save him from the ants but hes never there. cutting cutting but never no Harry and nobody to help with nothing and the grass it grows tall behind me I clear the thicket.

thats what miss reardon down the road says is what Alabama means and I believe her. once when I was a little child such little children our teacher whose name I cant recall she says to us that it means here we rest. it sounded nice then but ever since we were all little children me and two brothers and sister there was never rest. my mama she lived long and strong and my daddy too not like Harry and they all kept their wits but they never got no rest of anykind.

Observed and Imaginary Cases of Children Re-enacting Past Experiences, with the Children Playing the Roles of Adults, and Toys, Pets, or Infants Playing the Roles of Children

Woman stands on curb, waving frantically for taxi with one hand, grasping shoulder of little girl in other. Girl hugs an Elmo doll to her chest. In an angry stage whisper, the girl hisses to Elmo, “Will you just hurry UP? We’re going to be LATE! We’ll be late!”

Are You Overqualified?

Having spent years exaggerating what you know on resume after resume, are you now finding it difficult to conceal your skills and experience? The simple passage of time will cause a certain layer of barnacle-like expertise to accrete on even the most unambitious employee. But let's say you do possess a certain amount of drive. Let's say you do entertain fantasies of one day working for a decent wage in a pleasant environment with people you respect and a vocation that you enjoy. To that end, you may have acquired abilities, talents, and knowledge that permit you to aspire to the next level on your career path!

Big, big mistake.