d i z t o p i a

Pray for His Nuts, Boys

It's housecleaning time. Ongoing and upcoming projects will keep posting sporadic here for the foreseeable future, and one practice I'm definitely killing off is the weekly link dump. Might still pass along something particularly choice, but no more tiresome regular agglomerations of net dross. But as a last hurrah, here's several week's worth of bottom feeding, most of which have been encrusted among my bookmarks long past their rightful expiration. Not even going to try and give them the full treatment, so consider this more whimper than bang:

Tape babies. Stunt City. The Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson Show. Robot body builder. The Cat with Hands. Horned Gramma. Animal Dress Up 6. Unusual Cards. (via)

Interactive Buddy. Kitten Cannon. (via)

Sugar Bush Squirrel (pictured, penitent). The Credit Card Prank II. (via)

Operation Raccoon Bye-Bye. (via)

Tom Cruise's Medical Forum. (via)

and finally: Why Our SWAT Team Needs a Monkey.

Get Yer T-Shirts, Lion King Tickets, Crack Rock

Stuff On My Cat: just what it says. Ditto: Smoking Monkey. Then there's Ops!, for which I'll steal the perfect Screenhead summary, i.e. "Imperial stormtrooper sees the blaster bolt which has his name on it, and so has a moment of satori before his death." The Adventures of Mr. Coo may sound dirty, but it's a perfectly entertaining and innocent lil' 'toon. Not so with De-Animator, a zombie-shootin' game that really can only end in screaming and dismemberment for all concerned. French AIDS-awareness group AIDES seems to be commissioning all the best ads these days, and they score again with this very well done, funny, and (OK, I'll say it) heartwarming commercial/video. (via)

When you're done killing the undead, it's time to play Kitten Cannon. And check out the online gallery (excerpted above) for graffiti outlaw Banksy. He tags buildings, museums, cows, and pigs, among other objects and creatures. (via)

Plagued by document clutter? You're in luck: it's Virtual Stapler. (via)

Easily the most comprehensive online photo gallery of famous feet. (via)

And rounding out the week, enjoy this hamburger commercial interview with an angry in-utero fetus (use bugmenot to avoid AdAge registration). And let me just say I'm psyched that Stephen Colbert is getting his own Comedy Central show for his clueless prick reporter character from the Daily Show. Perfect work for a slave-banging, Hitler-loving queer.

Not Better Than "Cats," Not to Be Seen Again and Again

Jocelyn Wildenstein, meet your twisted plastic-surgery love match: Dennis Smith, aka "Cat Man." Can't wait to see the crazy operations in store for your freakish kitten-babies. But let's move on to something much more appetizing. It's an old-school music video about sausage. Plus the effects of sausages upon mustaches. You will never see bubbling grease photographed quite so lovingly. (via)

C.U.D.D.L.E. International wants you to know that it's OK when cousins get busy. And why should it be a problem, with a perfectly non-creepy name like that? (via)

Apparently them exploding toads everyone's so excited about may be caused by deadly accurate liver-seeking crows.

Cartoonery: Enjoy a Chris-Ware-style shiver with Raising Nancies. Or the dude falling. Or Our Hero Battles Twenty-Six Alphabetized Terrors. (via)

Super Columbine Massacre is just what is sounds like, except that it's actually even more boring than offensive. I never even made it past the hall monitors. Far more satisfying are the paintings from the I Am 8-Bit art show, which features works inspired by antediluvian video games. Highly depressing gallery of dead Big Boys. And you can continue to live in the past at the Museum of Retro Technology. (via)

Lastly, as a solid-colors-only partisan, I have long been puzzled by the crushing dominance of the stripey shirt. At last I realize it has something to do with the typical stripey shirt wearer. (via)

You Can't Fire Me, I Don't Really Work Here

Denied! Washed out again at another job app. Stings less every time. Soon I will begin to enjoy it. Then I won't be able to become aroused unless I'm explaining what I bring to the organization, and how my main personal flaw is my own unyielding perfectionism. And then I'll be unable to recall if I posted my resume to mediabistro or a porn site, or both. Either way, it's hottt. Rejection is the new acceptance. So take these abbreviated link dumps again, because I'm so boss like Glengarry Glen Ross, which I'll be seeing next month with Alan Aladdin Alda and Liev Schshhhhreeeeeiber, bovs. Did I just say "bovs"? Time for lunch. WILL YOU GO TO LUNCH! Yes, yes I will.

Spell with images from flickr, as posted above. Mr. Sparklepants vs. Naked Cowboy. Banana-tarantula smoothie (real-seeming; not recommended). The Frog Watches Lobster Listen to Hall and Oates Show. Sin Cinema. Awesome pizza cutters. Highly recommended: amazing CGI short Le Prince Bleu. (via)

And one more flickr-tool: the Visual Dictionary. Be careful. (via)

If You Can Read This, You Are Almost Close Enough

I saw a flyer posted in the subway yesterday advertising a public talk given by some-some-somebody or other, and it described the person in question as an "Authoress/Lecturer". I don't care if "authoress" is a real word, it's still stupid. Why not "lecturette" while you're at it? And yes, I know it's the same as "actress," but I blame the Oscars for that one. Why do the Oscars give gendered awards in acting, but not in any other category? And shouldn't Hilary Swank have gotten "Best Actor" for Boys Don't Cry? What I'm really steamed about is that I took a picture of the offending flyer, but then didn't save it on my camera phone. Stupid camera phone. Where is my in-brain camera-communications uplink? And my jet-car, while I'm complaining? And my magic hat that converts bitching to money? Anyway, to the dumps.

Finally, something worse than "doing a Lynndie": doing a Schiavo. Also, you can waste serious voyeur time examining the last 40 images uploaded to LiveJournal. And here's Item #1 on my 2005 xmas list: the LED Scrolling Belt Buckle, shown above. Yes, it's programmable. I plan to buy a dozen and strap them on like bandoliers, chattering away in various linked conversations about how awesome I am. (via)

Nyrdl Madness allows you to fulfill your fantasy of exercising near Godlike power over the inexplicable progress of an angry styrofoam packing peanut. Something Awful presents a gallery of Choose Your Own Adventure books that never were, nor should have been. Speaking of things that should not be: Pat Robertson's Age-Defying Protein Pancakes, which is not the name of a ska band, yet. This music video for DJ R2D2 uses a strange photorealistic reality-bending technique that could be the next "bullet time"... look for it to pop up in commercials, oh, ten minutes ago. In a similar but more twitchy vein: Stop Motion Studies. Wordcount is a nifty toy that graphically illustrates the relative frequency of usage of various English words. And afterward, why not make use of your newly expanded mind to sing along with Homer Simpson. (via)

And I'd just like to close off the week with this Report to Shareholders. Please help me.

Most Freudian Comic Panel Ever, Found

And that's saying something. Really, what could I add that might be worthy of this picture? It oughta be hanging in the Louvre, really. Thank Scott H as usual. Anyway, it's link dumps, Super Lazy I Want to Leave Work Early Edition!

Rick Prelinger! Cheney Offspring Bursts from Bush's Chest!

The Llama Song! PostSecret! The Old Negro Space Program! Simpsons linguistics! (via)

Oil Emperor of Dune! The Girl Watcher! Pregnancy, The Game! Gladiators! Puki, The Swarm! (via)

Another Airman Ready to "Cross Into The Blue"®

I'm off till Tuesday as my employer commemorates the zombie uprising of its patron voodoo-man, and then I'm off to Las Vegas, just like last year, for a round of guidebook research and overindulgence in buffets, cocktails, bargain basement blackjack, and bad shows. This trip should be good because it's shorter, as opposed to last year's 12-day marathon. Plus, the Girlfriend Attorney will be coming along, though she'll just spend the days lounging by the pool and swanning around the boutique shops while I scramble around reviewing crap hotels. Such are gender roles in our enlightened modern world.

I may do some vacation-blogging and Vegas-blogging whilst off the Man's clock, so stay tuned. Meantime here's some early and shallow link dumpage to masticate.

One must admire the intellectual rigor brought to bear in this site dedicated to destroying the Earth. (via)

Imprison your rage once more in the happy box with this online rake-able zen garden. Check out NASA video of hooverin' blobs of liquid in low-gravity conditions. This video for "All I Know" by hippity-hopster Rahzel begins with some highly disturbing adult-headed-baby imagery, and the tune is catchy too. Feed black meat to your inner mugwump by observing the William S. Burroughs-inspired "Ah Pook Is Here." Don Hertzfeldt is probably my favorite animator, and I doubt he approved this, but you can check out his first short, "Ah, L'Amour" ... then go and give him some love on his home Bitter Films site. And ask yourself why a just God would allow a fansite dedicated to art and fiction featuring deceased Simpsons character Maude Flanders? in German? (via)

Mark my words: pulsing anthropomorphic animal characters are becoming the signature style of net cartoons, as demonstrated in Fly Boy.

As exemplified ad nauseum by Saturday Night Live, sometimes parodies are so close to the bone that they inspire the same revulsion as their satirical inspiration. Manhattan Princess ISO Shoes, Soulmate! doesn't quite go over the line, but even though it's dead hilarious, there's only so much of its perky pinkness I can withstand ... (via)

Check out these awesome caskets with screened artwork on the outside (scroll to bottom).  Tasteful Air Force coffin depicted above. Didn't I see the more elegant models in the Metropolitan Museum of Art Gift Catalog? Where's the replica Tiffany glass, or with Monet's Water Lilies? (via)

Lastly, I give you the OmniTread, or as I like to call it, the PhalloBot. "Unique pneumatic control method allows simultaneous control of stiffness and joint angles." Hottttt. (via)

And a final late addition, simply because it's an issue we need to debate seriously as a nation: How many five-year-olds could you fight simultaneously, and win? (via)

What the Good Books Said

Gather round for your weekly link-dump barfage. All I can say to you this morning is: sake. Urrrg. That's right. All the regular pubs and dives are jammed on St. Patrick's day, but you know what places aren't crowded on that night? Japanese restaurants. And they're so, so glad to see you.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog does local Hawaii weather; even if not real, still excellent. To hell with being a fireman when you grow up ... I still wish I could have become Pyro Boy, who dances while exploding. CGI short film overload: Delivery, concerning a perspective shift worthy of Moebius; The Awakening of Consciousness, which goes in about ten different unexpected directions; and the cute and Stoogey Defective. And the Museum of Bad Art is just that, and I applaud their honesty. (via)

Que es mas Nacho? Nacho Vigalando that is, creator/star of the ingenious 7:35 in the Morning. In Spanish, though it doesn't matter. Recommended. Beyond that, what could be better than watching three cops get tasered? Watch 'em squeal! (via)

Hard to believe this could be true, but wonderfully cruel. Remember the home economics ritual of "caring" for a watermelon as if it was your baby? To hell with that. Try caring for an animated, screaming, twitching, crack baby doll! Perfect for that tween niece of yours who's considering experimenting with gateway drugs or voting Democrat. Eeeeyyyyikes. (via)

I'm mystified and compelled by Young-Hae Chang Heavy Industries, who/which produces text-based Flash animation rants/stories/satires/whaaa? I recommend "Cunnilingus in North Korea" and "Dakota." And you really oughta read Jeff Johnson's "The Gino File," which better be drawing book-deal agents like flies to mustardy mutton. (via)

Who knows what to make of the darkly futuristic predictions of EPIC 2014? One word: Googlezon. And I really love the titillating uselessness of amaztype, used to automagically create today's banner image out of Amazon cover graphics. Go play. (via)

The Answer's Not All That's Going to Come Loudly

I'm not sure why I keep posting these, but SH keeps sending them, and I cannot turn away ... today's shipment of the damned contained covers from "The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis," companion series to Dobie's TV show.

I was only vaguely aware of this program as a child, and that only because it contained a protagonist with shiny white hair and an unsettling pre-island version of Gilligan. But many of these covers depict Dobie as a rampaging, sinister pussy hound. I mean, just look at his face!

This was the kind of teenager for whose misuse Rohypnol was invented. Fortunately we have a stockpile of equally worthless links to replace this disturbing image with other disturbing images.

Now that HBO's "Deadwood" is back, you'll be pleased to know that they're posting admirably high fucks-per-minute rates once again. And as someone who has in my time sported a coif at least as impressive, I had a lot of sympathy for the victims Trapped in Malcom Gladwell's Hair. And yes, ho hum, juvenile, and so on, but haven't you always wondered about Batman's boner?

More Successory parodies, for comics geeks only; plus, the new and absolutely essential Bacontarian, the blog about bacon. (via)

While I'm sure they're more comfortable, there's also just something insidiousuly demeaning about special toilets for fat people. I dearly love and am frightened by this exceptional new basketball scoring technique, just in time for March Madness. And enjoy this voicemail left by an office drone making excuses for being late, which morphs into his gleeful play-by-play of an accident he witnesses and the subsequent beatdown. (via)

Yet another Worth100 photochop contest, this one featuring inappropriately combined movie posters. (via)

Get ready, brainless muscle car movie fans! It's 3 3ast 3 3urious! Pronounce that, boyeeee! Alternatively, purchase this self-immolating Bible to impress the kids with unexpected proximity to Jesus fire. Quench your thirst for nerd knowledge by learning the true origins of Batman and Superman. Pet owners: Try EZ Spurt, because dogs love the taste of hot white cheddar! (Good luck trying to un-see that image, sports fans.) Giving the wikis a run for their non-money is Uncyclopedia, a non-resource of non-information. In ye olde gamez department, consider Micro Life, your typical benevolent germ-god sim; or perhaps you'd prefer Ninja Cupid, where a half-nude shadow warrior turns his weapons of death to the ends of hygienic tween molestation; or the divertingly pointless "Video Return: The Game," which pits angry roommates against each other in the most primal of roommate battles. The highly prolific and thoroughly disturbed Salad Fingers guy has produced "A Black and White Cartoon About Roof Tiling," which should be enough to make you reach for Mr. Jim Beam a little early this afternoon. If there's one thing I believe very strongly, it's that firearms safety instructors should not shoot themselves in class, but what do I know. Lastly, here's a Spike Jonez commercial for Addidas that makes me wish I could just buy the commercial, not the sneakers. (via)

Two words guaranteed to draw a respectable family crowd: amputee wrestling! (via)

And to close: I know I have said this more than once, but this truly is one of the worst things ever posted here. I present to you EZ Catch Harvester, or as I like to call it, the Chick'n Vac. Watch the video. Then try to convince yourself that science really hasn't gone too far.

Gimme Back My Snow-Testicle, You Little Minx

Depends what you mean by "make" a snowman.

So here we are in Year Two. Feels different, doesn't it? Sexier. More established. Ready to move on up. To the sky. To at least a moderately nice apartment, if not deeee-luxe. I'll be on a secret mission this weekend which will no doubt produce lots of material for next week, so just try not to sit on the wrong end of the tenterhook until I get back.

Lords of light! It's a Thundarr the Barbarian tribute page. I always liked that cartoon as a kid because it was by far the strangest thing on Saturday morning TV (even more so than the Herculoids). I mean, it takes place AFTER the apocalypse! Somebody broke the moon, for chrissakes! And one of the villains was a flying green brain. And then there's the episode with the frozen orangutan from the 20th century that ... er, anyway. (via)

I liked this bit from lindsayism describing her reaction to some godforsaken book project that seeks to assemble an "oral history of blogging." I visualize some kind of Walker Percy assemblage of ancient, weathered bloggers squatting on their clapboard porches. "Yessir, first blog ah ever seen come up on thet livejournal, then this feller in ter next cubicle started up one on thet blogspot, and then ah says, ah got to git me one a them, and .. and ... lordamighty, it was a mighty fine time ter be alive." [wipes tear, sucks on corncob pipe, takes cellphone camera photo of interviewer] Lindsay also points to yet another iteration of endlessly repurposed Super Friends animation, this time with dialogue from Office Space.

When you just can't be bothered to flip-and-drop: Tetris 1-D! And you must, must love this Tiki God of Flash storage. (via)

Here's a flattering and frequently updated archive of screencaps of various celebs and talking heads in mid-blink. Misty was a 1970s lite-horror comic in Britain, and someone took the time to scan and post the entire run in full. It's nowhere near as lurid or gory as the American versions of the classic horror-comic era, but it's impressive nontheless (obviously I like the angry Mr. Frosty pictured above). "Sonia's Escape" is an excellent Russian short cartoon that uses a truly weird, compelling, Picasso-like animation style ... I find the pulsing, corpulent cat especially groovy. Mostly more traditional but cute nonetheless is "Hello", another short toon about the struggle between love and format obsolescence. Decidedly not toon-like or suitable for audiences of any kind are these repurposed romance novel covers. (via)

Last is Grafik Dynamo, a fun toy that combines random blog text with images to form a comic strip. It could profit from a more diverse sample selection and a little tweaking, but still amusing. (via)