d i z t o p i a

Yo, Joe!

 

So, it turns out the "American soldier" reported captured and held hostage by Iraqi insurgents is really ... an action figure. Dragon Models' "Special Ops Cody" to be exact. Those. Terrorist. Bastards. They're even holding him hostage with his own plastic gun! And look how they've dirtied him up. At least they let him keep his kneepads. The strange thing is that his head doesn't look quite right. Cody has a sort of insouciant Yul Brynner expression, and I wonder if the insurgents wanted a more grim look. You be the judge. Have they transplanted heavy machine-gunner "Fernando's" head onto Cody's body? From left to right: hostage toy, Cody in happier times, and the smoldering Jude Law-esque Fernando.

Of course they've sullied his fine visage--maybe even giving him a fake desert tan. Thought if it's Fernando, they did him a favor and redid his ludicrous dye job. Still, can't these insurgents even take an action figure hostage without getting all beheady? Or did they put Fernando in Cody's clothes? WHAT DID YOU DO WITH CODY, YOU HEARTLESS THUGS? Maybe he's joining one of those fun "hostage cheerleader pyramids" with comrades "Jackson & Pollack" or "Hunt & Peck."

Instant Hero! Just Add Bullets

The Washington Post has an extensive, well-researched two-part story on the death of NFL player and Army Ranger Pat Tillman (part 1, part 2). The Army tersely admitted back in May that Tillman was killed by friendly fire, and I dutifully wrote a screed in response. Turns out the full details are even more sad, and the Army's attempts to spin Tillman's death into a heroic Troy-style funeral march are predictably contemptible. The short version is that not only was Tillman killed by friendly fire, but he was neither "leading" nor "defending" anyone besides himself, one other Ranger, and an allied Afghan militia fighter (the latter of whom was killed along with Tillman). Plus, he also wasn't trying to defend his unit "without regard to his personal safety," but rather got hamburgered while frantically trying to evade his fellow Ranger's gunfire -- demonstrating a much more believably appropriate regard for his personal safety, for all the good it did him.

It appears that Tillman, the other Ranger, and the Afghan were firing on those attacking the other Americans, when the Americans mistook Tillman's group for enemies and poured thousands of rounds of Humvee-mounted heavy-machine-gun fire on their position. The Afghan was killed pretty much immediately, with the two Rangers hitting the dirt and screaming -- unheard -- for the firing to stop. At some point the firing did pause, and the Rangers got back up, but apparently the still oblivious Humvee gunners had just moved to get a better angle. The guns started firing again, and Tillman was hit. He spent the last few minutes of his life bleeding, calling out for the firing to stop, and tragicomically insisting "I'm Pat Tillman, dammit!" to no avail. Either he was finally killed by more bullets or took more hits postmortem -- when the firing finally stopped, the other Ranger noted a "river of blood" pouring from Tillman, and that "his head was gone."

Nice. I feel compelled to retract some of the venom from my earlier post, since it's not Tillman's fault that his death got the Hollywood treatment, and he wasn't responsible for the command fuckups that lead to his demise. It's no surprise that Tillman barking orders and defending his comrades seemed a more palatable press release than Tillman yelling for help and getting his head blown off by those comrades. I suppose it should be amazing that the Army could further cheapen a death that's already so pathetic, but somehow I'm not surprised.

Killer Cop

Attention! This is the police! Please remain calm! There is nothing to see here! Well, OK, it seems doubtful that this photo from Fallujah depicts an actual policeman, and I can say that because I'm a highly trained analyst. There are all kinds of subtle clues that the careful observer can glean from this image to determine that this individual is not, in fact, a policeman, and probably has no intention of either serving or protecting. He will not be tempted by donuts and coffee. Trust me on this.

So Yasser Arafat finally died, and though his passing hasn't triggered Michael Stipe's plan to abscond with the PLO president's severed head, there's still plenty of live-head scratching going in the Mideast, in addition to quite literal wailing and gnashing of teeth. Politically, I think Arafat was a failure, and he should have been sidelined years ago to some kind of ceremonial/symbolic post in the nascent Palestinian nation. Arafat was just too much of a lightning rod to function effectively as a diplomat or head of state. Bill Clinton never forgave him for screwing up Clinton's peace initiatives, and it seems indisputable that the man voraciously clung to power in the last years of his life rather than help his countrymen take meaningful steps toward statehood. Even so, I have to admit that Arafat's impact is much more complex than many will admit. This is a pretty cogent and thoughtful article about the 2000 Camp David talks and Arafat's infamous "refusal" of an Israeli "offer" of peace. Read it.

Arafat was something of a relic, and he never seemed to grasp that the tactics of a "freedom fighter" from his golden age are impossible to distinguish from those of the contemporary terrorist. Since he could never bring himself to sufficiently repudiate Islamic terror, it was easy for his foes (in Israel and elsewhere) to dismiss him as a terrorist himself, and thus not eligible for negotiation, diplomatic engagement, or legitimacy. Even if his successors in Palestine are unable to curb the actions of terrorists, it will go a long way toward establishing their credibility if they can at least make visible, concerted efforts to do so, which is something Arafat never invested much time or effort in doing.

Now, if only similar though opposed dinosaurs like Ariel Sharon can be phased out, perhaps all sides will have the chance for some kind of realistic peace plan. If not, there is always the eminently achievable goal offered by the gentleman pictured above: the Fallujahfication of Palestine.

Your Eyes Are Full of Hate, Forty-One

Check out these bizarro AP photos from Iraq. (Click on any for a larger popup.) This was the from the "First Annual 'Ben-Hur' Memorial Chariot Race" outside Fallujah, according to the 3rd Battalion, 1st Marines who took part. The festivities were held this past weekend as the marines psyched themselves up for the assault on Fallujah. And what better way to do so then by engaging in some awesome Russell-Crowe-style gladiation? Any Islamic fundamentalists observing from the city might not have been pleased by the re-enactment of a movie whose heroes are Jews (and which features a passion of the Christ that appears almost relaxing in comparison to the Mel Gibson version). 

But no matter. Bring out the horsies! Ramming speed! No climactic wrecks as in the film version (and did you know that the whole thing about the stuntman getting killed is a myth? Damn your cold omniscient logic, Snopes.com!). These chariot races were held in timed heats, with horses confiscated from looters and leftovers from the recent Viggo Mortensen flop Hidalgo. The winning chariot plowed through the finish line, scattering onlooking marines, and smacked into a sand berm (though the article notes that the horse was unharmed). Hail Caesar!

As the article linked above notes, none of the horses died, but few looked to be in good shape. This nag in particular actually turned on its charioteers and tried to bite them. Allah Akbar! But the beast was quickly subdued with a trident, which I didn't even realize was standard military issue these days. Guess it's hard to improve on a classic. Still, now that these crazy centurions or out there in the shit, hope they have better luck with Abu Musab al-Zarqawi than the Romans ultimately did with their own insurgent problem in Ben-Hur. As Sextus -- a proud member of the reality-based community -- says in the movie, "You can break a man's skull. You can arrest him. You can throw him into a dungeon. But how do you fight an idea?" By cultivating your base, that's how. Once you get to 52%, friends and countrymen, you got yourself a mandate.

Mopping Up in Baghdad

From White House press briefing with then-Press Secretary Ari Fleischer, July 1, 2003:

Q Ari, you talked earlier about the Iraqis who were staging these hit-and-run ambushes and sabotages as having melted back into the civilian populace. Has it moved now from a situation of major combat operations to a guerrilla operation?

MR. FLEISCHER: No, it's exactly as Secretary Rumsfeld said yesterday at the Pentagon. It remains a military operation outside of major combat operations to go in and to mop up after these irregulars and these people who the Secretary has called dead-enders, who if they had their way, would try to resume power in Iraq.

Q But Americans should be thinking of this in terms of a mop-up operation, not a guerilla conflict?

MR. FLEISCHER: I think that Secretary Rumsfeld, who is in a strong position to evaluate it, was asked that yesterday. And I think he characterized it just right.

And in the photos above, another kind of mop-up operation at the al-Karkh hospital in Baghdad after a car bomb killed 47 people at the headquarters of the Baghdad police. Seems those dead-enders continue to demonstrate the ability to ensure that a lot of people end up dead.

Winning Is the New Losing

Much hay being made regarding Bush's little slip yesterday about the war on terror being unwinnable. From Matt Lauer's Today show interview with Bush:

Lauer: You said to me a second ago, one of the things you'll lay out in your vision for the next four years is how to go about winning the war on terror. That phrase strikes me a little bit. Do you really think we can win this war on terror in the next four years?

President Bush: I have never said we can win it in four years.

Lauer: So I’m just saying can we win it? Do you see that?

President Bush: I don't think you can win it. But I think you can create conditions so that those who use terror as a tool are less acceptable in parts of the world –- let's put it that way.

It would be nice if the Democrats didn't leap upon this rare, inadvertently intelligent statement from the President as if he'd just exposed his soft, pink hindquarters to their slavering, engorged donkey-phalli. War on terror not winnable? Are you MAD?!?! Fortunately, press secretary Scottie McClellan is there to splain:

White House spokesman Scott McClellan sought to clarify Bush's statement, saying the president was speaking about winning the war "in the conventional sense."

"I don't think you can expect that there will ever be a formal surrender or a treaty signed like we have in wars past," he said. "That's what he was talking about. It requires a generational commitment to win this war on terrorism."

Oh, the conventional sense! Now I get it. Conventional victories are relics of the past, granddad. Like all those wars past, where we had formal surrenders and treaties. Like Iraq, and ... wait, no, like in Afghanistan, and, uh, no, Korea! Yeah! Uh, no .... Well, never mind. Who needs conventional victories anyway? What's the matter, aren't you generationally committed enough?

But forget all that you've heard so far, because after a stern overnight horsewhipping from Dick Cheney and some tightening of the nipple clamps by Karl Rove, Bush is firmly back on message. Speaking to the American Legion in Nashville today:

We meet today in a time of war for our country, a war we did not start yet one that we will win.

Phew! Glad that's settled. If you start trying to come up with nuanced definitions for "winning" a war, soon you'll start wondering what really defines war itself. These days, we don't even bother with a declaration of war, much less a definition. In the conventional sense, that is.

Victory Me? Victory You!

Gang sign alert! Is our president a secret member not just of Skull and Bones, but also the Athens Park Boys? Are the Mahdi Army down with the Kitchen Crips? Is it even possible to actually make the "Number Zero" sign without breaking your white-boy hand? Keep watching, and consult here for valuable tips.

Sure, I could lead with the same photo everyone's blogging today of President Bush getting his umbrella blown open, but where's the sport in that?

Friendly Fire Frags Footballer

Ain't that a kick in the pantaloons: former Arizona Cardinals starting safety Pat Tillman was killed by friendly fire. From the New York Times:

An unclassified summary of the Army's investigation into the incident, also released on Saturday, said the platoon had been moving to another sector when one of its vehicles broke down and could not be repaired in the field. On April 22, the platoon was split, with one section towing the incapacitated vehicle and the other moving to the next operations area, in a different direction.

A half-hour later, the report said, the tow unit came under attack and Corporal Tillman's portion of the platoon came back to help. During the resulting clash, it continued, a Ranger squad leader mistakenly identified an Afghan soldier ally as part of the enemy force and fired at him. Other members of the platoon, seeing the squad leader's direction of fire, shot in the same direction, killing Corporal Tillman and the Afghan soldier, the report said.

Bummer. So instead of going down, guns blazing, in defense of his buddies, we have Tillman shot by his own comrades--the very people he came back to help--yahoos who simply saw an Afghan (or who saw someone else shooting at something) and blazed away. Well, mistakes happen.

Earlier in the story, the Army's Lt. Gen. Philip R. Kensinger Jr. said this didn't change the meaning of Tillman's glorious death, since he reacted to enemy fire by defending his unit "without regard to his own safety." May I suggest that we retire this cliché as a good thing. Even if we assume this canard is true--for all we know, Tillman was scared shitless and very much concerned with his personal safety--the fact remains that he put himself and his unit in a position where they were fired on by their own people.

I'm no military strategist, and I'm sure you had the heat of battle thing going, but maybe someone could have been told via radio "Hey, we're coming back over the hill to help, please for to not be killing us, over." Perhaps allies who might be mistaken for enemies could, I don't know, be given something to identify them as allies. I suppose the dead Afghan and his friends and family kind of wish Tillman had shown a little more regard for *his* safety.

In essence, Tillman got a Silver Star, Purple Heart, and a posthumous promotion for getting accidentally shot by other Americans. No word on any decorations or awards for the Afghan, nor will we likely ever know his name. I don't know what the standards of conduct are in such situations, but the Army's investigation unearthed "no specific finding of fault in the incident." Which makes sense. If Pat Tillman had no regard for his own safety, then why should we?

Charm Offensive

Happy Memorial Day weekend! Except in South Korea, where they probably don't even celebrate Memorial Day, because they're too busy protesting deployment of South Korean troops to Iraq. (I bet they don't even celebrate Thanksgiving, those commie-neighboring scoundrels.) This young lady's inspired hat complements her dazed expression nicely. Let's hope she's at least tripping real, real hard.

Of course, the flower-tank thing echoes this famous Viet Nam flower-gun protest photo (click to enlarge). I've always been bothered by the protester's slacker turtleneck and his (in contemporary terms) preppy haircut. All he needs is just a ... just a little tap in the head with a gun butt. C'mon, Sarge, nobody's lookin' ... we'll just say he fell down.

But the flower-in-gun meme has many forms. Check out this odd circa-1900 lithograph (click to enlarge, copies for sale here, #233) with the inscription "Hurrah, dat de Bechergass kraach!" (translation, Herr Propper?). The soldier appears astounded and maybe a little pissed about something, but he's also looking off-panel rather than at his gun, so maybe he's OK with der flowermach uppen his barrellweiss, who knows. For the more contemporarily conflict-conflicted, consider this lovely wall-mountable gun-vase.

Separated at Incept Date?

Brig. Gen. Janis Karpinski (on the left, in case you're wondering), former commander of military police at U.S. prisons in Iraq, is baffled by her suspension due to the abuse of detainees at Abu Ghraib. "Humans are a fragile species," declared the unblinking replicant officer in a cold monotone. "Maximum efficiency of information extraction demands that they be contained, processed, and eliminated." She then drove a nail through her android hand to stave off her government-initiated self-termination sequence.