d i z t o p i a

While You Were Out

So, this firefighter who's been in a coma since 1995 just woke up. The hospital and relatives are mum about just how coherent he is, though there are a few quotes from him asking for his wife, talking with his sons, etc. Assuming he gets back the majority of his mental faculties, how do you bring him up to speed on the last decade? How in the hell does that conversation start? Can you imagine not knowing anything from 1995 to the present, then have someone fill you in?

"OK, well there's the Internet thing now, that's huge, except wait, it made the market partially collapse about three years after you got knocked out. Did you have a lot of tech stock? Sorry to hear that. What about Enron? Uh, we'll talk about that later. Moving on, Bill Clinton was impeached but didn't resign, and then Al Gore lost the next presidential election to George Bush's son, also named George. He's still president, got re-elected last year. No, he's just like his dad in a lot of ways, but stupider, and he brought back some old cronies into his administration, and he's pretty religious and a little nuts. And then some planes crashed into the World Trade Center. No, it blew up. It's gone. Both towers, yeah, thousands of people died in that one. Also hit the Pentagon and killed a few hundred more. Terrorists. Guy named Osama bin Laden. Yeah, nobody was really paying attention to him, not even the government. Nope, I told you, this Bush is pretty stupid. Well, no, nobody's caught the Osama guy yet. He sends out videotapes making fun of us. Yes, he's still out there. But actually we did try to get him, because we invaded Afghanistan. No, we actually sent thousands of troops there, not just bombs. Boots on the ground. Nope, they're still there. Yep, lots of dead American soldiers. And we invaded Iraq too. Lots of dead people there on both sides. Still there as well. We got Saddam Hussen though, locked up in a military jail. He's pretty crazy! We also seem to be really into torturing people these days, big scandal about that recently. Foreign people mostly. I think we're going to leave both countries eventually, but it's tough. Other invasions? Well, there's been a lot of rumors about Iran and North Korea, but you know, we think they both have nukes, so it's a little dicey. Yeah, this must be a lot to take in. But check this out: it's called an iPod!"

Your Future of Tomorrow

Pal CTM unearthed some old emails from yours truly back when I was teaching English 101 and creative writing as an assistant-slave at Eastern Washington University. I thought these were lost to the mists of time, so it's with great pleasure I present some of best lines produced by my erstwhile students. Yes, I know this is joke-spam fodder, but it's Monday ... you were expecting "A" material?

Prostitution seems to be a quick fix to financial hardship, but in the long run, it is not the best solution.

These variables make the use of marijuana more useable.

The wall unexpected by the one in pants threw them back, placing him under the man in shorts, but he still has hold of the throat.

A casino right by your home would be fun for the family, if you're of age of course.

People all over the world watch you play sports every year. I know I do.

Today's modern world offers many forms of entertainment for today's youth. Some examples are television, sporting events, books, and drug use.

The next thing you know, his hand had dropped from your shoulder to where it shouldn't be.

When you drink you lose your impaired judgment, you cause fights, maybe getting a woman pregnant.

These riders kept the audience in the seat of their pants.

They get into fights with other people, themselves, or inanimate objects.

For many centuries, humans have used sex as a form of reproduction.

English be made the official language of the United States to prevent chaos in communication.

Our future of tomorrow is in every child's hand.

For instance, one of my favorite books is about Matt, a dog "who" does not want to be a dog.

Children who may be blind, deaf, spend their life in a wheelchair and children of a different race.

If one is imaginative enough to put aside disbelief in ghosts seeking revenge, as the King in Hamlet does, why can't one suspend belief in professional wrestling?

And my personal favorite. This came from a quiet, hulking football player who liked to write children's stories.

As she stepped off the curb to cross the street to go to the restaurant, she heard what sounded like a giant burrito slapping against a boneless camel.

If I recall correctly, that camel-slapping was supposed to describe the sound of someone being hit by a car. So dirty and precise! Take that, Associated Press.