Harvest This

I was a demolition-derby-deprived child, and remain a similarly deprived adult. I caught one tiny glimpse of a demolition derby at the Alabama State Fairgrounds when I was about nine. Then I was hustled off to see prize pigs or some other agricultural abomination. For years after that, my only contact with demolition derby was via an eponymous video game that placed far too much emphasis on protecting your radiator rather than crushing your enemies, seeing them driven before you, hearing the lamentation of the women, etc.

I finally got a chance to watch the end of a derby in Spokane, WA, while in grad school. It was pretty glorious, as the competitors were a bunch of suicidal hillbillies in dreadnought pickup trucks. And no one seemed to mind when the winner drove his victorious clunker of  a Dodge into the broken spine of his last opponent, again and again and again. They had an amateur event as well, where two people got in whatever car they brought, with the driver blindfolded and the passenger shouting instructions and warnings and generally screaming in terror. I badly, badly wanted to do this. I almost put together a coalition of other grad students to buy an ancient hearse ($400) for use as our derby vehicle, but the cheap motherfuckers wouldn't pony up. The owner assured me the hearse would run for at least forty yards, providing we towed it to the arena.

My last attempt to see a demolition derby was in Birmingham, at those same Alabama State Fairgrounds. It had rained all day, so most of the entrants had not bothered to drive into town. That meant we had two cars: a lurching green Oldsmobile and a woody station wagon. Not much to go on, but I figured there would be a couple good slams. The two cars faced off, or rather, assed off, as they faced away from each other and prepared to zoom backwards to attack. The gun went off, they charged and hit with barely moderate force, and the woody stalled. End of show. Bring out the trophy girls, everyone go home. The two cars barely even broke their tail lights. What a waste.

All of which is why I'm excited by the concept of the Combine Demolition Derby, pictured above. These machines once brought forth life, but now they are devoted to destruction! This derby is also in (Lind) Washington and has apparently been running for years, making me depressed I didn't see it while up there. Oh well. Be sure to check out the rules:  "Iron spears or external iron used for aggressive action is prohibited. NO extra welding on the Cutter Bar Edge, NO welding Rock Guards and Header Bottom, and NO concrete in the platform auger." I guess I can see why they wouldn't want iron spears, but who could possibly object to a little concrete in their auger?

Comments

[JMH]

          We got to see a combine harvester up close last summer at the Museum of Science and Industry, in Chicago. It was an awesome (and huge!) piece of machinery! Seeing those things crash together would be spectacular!

JH

[D.]

Awesome.

[Chris Clutter]

Your Lind Combine Picture is a violation of my copyright and usage agrements. You have none. Please remove the picture ASAP or face legal actions.
c l clutter Photography

[Chris Clutter]

Second Warning! In your section Harvest This. You have a photography of the Lind Combine Demolition Derby. The photograph is NOT IN PUBLIC DOMAIN. THE PHOTOGRAPH IS COPYRIGHTED AND SOLE PROPERTY OF c l clutter Photography. Remove the photograph at once!
c l clutter Photography
www.ritzville.com/posters

[Chris Clutter]

Third Warning! In your section Harvest This. You have a photography of the Lind Combine Demolition Derby. The photograph is NOT IN PUBLIC DOMAIN. THE PHOTOGRAPH IS COPYRIGHTED AND SOLE PROPERTY OF c l clutter Photography. Remove the photograph at once!
c l clutter Photography
www.ritzville.com/posters

[chris m]

Yessir! All right everyone, please direct your combine-photo poster purchases to Mr. Clutter. He's got some fine action shots over there.