d i z t o p i a

Not Better Than "Cats," Not to Be Seen Again and Again

Jocelyn Wildenstein, meet your twisted plastic-surgery love match: Dennis Smith, aka "Cat Man." Can't wait to see the crazy operations in store for your freakish kitten-babies. But let's move on to something much more appetizing. It's an old-school music video about sausage. Plus the effects of sausages upon mustaches. You will never see bubbling grease photographed quite so lovingly. (via)

C.U.D.D.L.E. International wants you to know that it's OK when cousins get busy. And why should it be a problem, with a perfectly non-creepy name like that? (via)

Apparently them exploding toads everyone's so excited about may be caused by deadly accurate liver-seeking crows.

Cartoonery: Enjoy a Chris-Ware-style shiver with Raising Nancies. Or the dude falling. Or Our Hero Battles Twenty-Six Alphabetized Terrors. (via)

Super Columbine Massacre is just what is sounds like, except that it's actually even more boring than offensive. I never even made it past the hall monitors. Far more satisfying are the paintings from the I Am 8-Bit art show, which features works inspired by antediluvian video games. Highly depressing gallery of dead Big Boys. And you can continue to live in the past at the Museum of Retro Technology. (via)

Lastly, as a solid-colors-only partisan, I have long been puzzled by the crushing dominance of the stripey shirt. At last I realize it has something to do with the typical stripey shirt wearer. (via)

Wario Obeyed, Mario Destroyed

Back in my home state, cop-killer Mario Centobie was executed last night. Centobie's story has always fascinated me, and not in a good way. He seems to have been a truly disturbed individual, though not crazy in the get-out-of-jail-free sense. I like the circularity of this take on his personal history:

He was abandoned by his father at the age of four after his parents divorced. His mother sought a divorce on the grounds of habitual cruel and inhuman treatment by Centobie’s father. At the age of 20, Centobie shot himself in the stomach with a shotgun because he was distraught. He married but later divorced. His wife requested a restraining order citing habitual cruel and inhuman treatment.

Despite his being "distraught" early in life, Centobie was a decorated Mississippi firefighter by 1993, when an Amtrak train derailed near Mobile, Alabama, and killed 47 people. Centobie helped pull the bodies out of the burned-out train cars sunk in bayou mud; somewhere I remember hearing speculation that this experience traumatized the guy such that he went off his rocker permanently, sociopathically speaking. Anyway, by 1995 he was serving 40 years in a Mississippi jail for kidnapping his ex-wife and son. In 1998, Centobie and another inmate overpowered guards transferring them between jails and stole the guards' car.

Centobie and the other inmate drove into Alabama, where they were stopped by a Tuscaloosa police officer, whom Centobie shot (non-fatally). The pair escaped and fled north to St. Clair County, where they were stopped by another police officer. This time, Centobie shot and killed the officer. The two inmates split up, and the other guy was promptly captured. Centobie eluded a massive statewide manhunt. I remember some grainy footage on the news at the time of him brandishing a gun at a news helicopter (from the chopper's point of view). About this time, the newspapers started calling him "Super Mario."

He was finally caught back in Mississippi, near Biloxi, where he was trying to visit/re-kidnap his son. Back in jail in Gadsden, Alabama, Centobie managed to seduce a female guard into just letting him go. We'll probably never know what that was all about, but there was never any hint of threats or hostage-taking or anything ... he just used his Jedi Casanova powers, and the lady couldn't resist. She ended up going to jail herself for 18 months as a result. Sadly I can't find a picture of Centobie online, but as I recall he was no sexxx-bomb. Pickins is slim in Gadsden, I guess.

Centobie was finally recaptured in Atlanta, and despite another thwarted escape attempt (guards found a key hidden "on his person," which I take to mean somewhere in the nether regions), he never seemed to feel any particular remorse. He did get very agitated when an anti-capital-punishment lawyer tried to stall his execution though, as he very much wanted to die (unlike say, Eric Rudolph). He wore his wedding ring to the lethal injection, as apparently his main obsession remained his ex-wife and son. Alabama still offers the option of vintage-electric-chair death in "Yellow Mama," but few seem inclined to take a seat lately. Criminals today have no appreciation for the classics.

Queer Agenda Joke Officially Played

Three chuckle-worthy takes on the same timeless humor classic! Note chronological thematic progress from moral outrage to exaggerated parody to understated comedy of the banal.

The Gay Agenda, McSweeney's

The Homosexual Agenda, ancient net spam forward

The Homosexual Agenda, American Family Association, origin of joke meme?

Getting Some Tail

Apologies for the man-ass, but I felt I had to provide this as part of my dedication to fair-and-balancedness. Little somethin' for the ladies! In response to Scott H's comment on the tarantulingus, it does in fact appear that the scorpion is acting in accordance with its nature,  though perhaps in a less natural position. Nevertheless, both have been revealed as the work of photog Dimitri Daniloff, and I recommend you view his entire advertising gallery for a series of similarly bizarro pics. Them Europeans. They's different.

Quickly! Suck Out the Venom Before My Husband Gets Home

Wait, is that a female spider? Is this ad condoning giant lesbian spider cunnilingus? Hard to tell. Appears to be part of a campaign for anti-AIDS outfit AIDES. Unfortunately, they're French, so I can't navigate their site to find the original. Supposedly there's also one with a scorpion. Would welcome and/or be horrified if anyone has more of these.

You Can't Fire Me, I Don't Really Work Here

Denied! Washed out again at another job app. Stings less every time. Soon I will begin to enjoy it. Then I won't be able to become aroused unless I'm explaining what I bring to the organization, and how my main personal flaw is my own unyielding perfectionism. And then I'll be unable to recall if I posted my resume to mediabistro or a porn site, or both. Either way, it's hottt. Rejection is the new acceptance. So take these abbreviated link dumps again, because I'm so boss like Glengarry Glen Ross, which I'll be seeing next month with Alan Aladdin Alda and Liev Schshhhhreeeeeiber, bovs. Did I just say "bovs"? Time for lunch. WILL YOU GO TO LUNCH! Yes, yes I will.

Spell with images from flickr, as posted above. Mr. Sparklepants vs. Naked Cowboy. Banana-tarantula smoothie (real-seeming; not recommended). The Frog Watches Lobster Listen to Hall and Oates Show. Sin Cinema. Awesome pizza cutters. Highly recommended: amazing CGI short Le Prince Bleu. (via)

And one more flickr-tool: the Visual Dictionary. Be careful. (via)

Fordham Road Roundelay

Finally took all those photos of Fordham Road. Go forth and thrill to a virtual walk to work with yours truly through the gilded paradise that is the Bronx at morn. Even supplied captions this time so you can tell one grim scenario from the next. Mostly this is a half-assed photolog of how the ritzy 1920s shopping arcades have been cannibalized and covered over by downmarket pawnshops, cellphone huts, , discount clothing outlets, etc. That said, it's bustling and packed on nice days, serving as the main commercial hub for the borough. But it's too bad there's not a concerted effort (that I know of) to try and preserve some of this original architecture.

Guaranteed 100% Stamos-Free

He's a preternaturally gifted physician who can't get a shave due to his chronic pain and gruff bedside manner. She's an adorable blonde moppet who exists as one mind in two bodies. Can he overcome his hatred of all that is innocent and pure long enough to help her survive a lifetime of freakish media exposure and staggering wealth? And will her intractable cuteness and incipient anorexia help him rediscover the joy of healing? Or will both tykes end up beaten to death by his everpresent cane totem while the doctor takes the coward's way out with a valium overdose? Also starring Daphne Zuniga as Lori Loughlin as Rebecca "Becky" Donaldson Katsopolis.

Meet the New Boss

Phew, glad that's over. Posting regular daily tripe as well as a guest pope was exhausting. Doesn't Benedict XVI look like the cat who ate the canary? Or, considering his German nationality, the canary sausage? He's a rock star now. Well, good for him. Given his advanced years, the old boy likely won't have anywhere near the durability of his predecessor. He better enjoy it while it lasts, though I suspect he'll spend most of his time keeping the women priests and the gays and the premarital procreators safely ensconced in hell where they belong. For me, this whole process totally demystified the papacy. I'd grown so used to the same guy being up there for so long, it's hard to credit the institution with much gravitas if they can just get a new pope when the old one wears out. And where are the post-election lawsuits? Don't the Catholics know how modern electioneering works? Now let's get back to important news, like whether or not Natasha Lyonne will attempt to sexually molest that dog now that she's on the run from the law.

Today's Guest Pope: The Vatican Chimney

Advantages: As shown in photo, already an object of intense veneration for thousands. Probably world's favorite chimney at the moment. Symbolizes Manichaean absolutes of black and white in smoke form. With no cardinals or pope in evidence, chimney is sole means of communication with church hierarchs. Is, in effect, God's chimney, emanating from God's pot-bellied stove. Can you sah-mell what the Lord is cooooo-kin'?

Disadvantages: Producing desired color of smoke still not an exact science. Despite use of smoke bombs, chemicals, army flares, and other methods, the dreaded "gray smoke" could cause riotous confusion among the faithful. Might be replaced by sixteenth-century procedure of lighting fire in ignition hole of a gun in the Sistine Chapel, but chapel regrettably gun-free these days.

Place in history: Will be dismantled after conclave and stored in Vatican basement, until needed for summertime barbeque all'Italiana.