d i z t o p i a: Gay, Old

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I do not like this mural because (choose all that apply):

1. It is on a building near my office on Fordham Road in the Bronx. The Flintstones and Rubbles always seem to mock me. "Morning there, chump! Welcome back to another day of stultifying drudgery here in the Borough that Time Forgot!" Are they amused that I'm getting off a subway or bus as they motor past in their bitchin' rockmobile? Or are they sneering as they drive off and leave me behind? "So long, sucker! Have a great time breakin' rocks!"

2. It is on the wall of and in fact incorporates the logo (not pictured) for "American Ways Rent-a-Car". Leaving aside the no doubt baldfaced licensing theft from Hanna-Barbera, it seems questionable to lure auto-rental customers with an image of a car made of stone, twigs, and stretched hide. Note, however, that they thought to leave out the Flintstones' and Rubbles' feet protruding from the bottom of the car, as the idea of renting a foot-powered car would really lack appeal for a modern customer.

3. I never liked the Flintstones, even as a child. I don't think my child self was cognizant of the fact that the show was a ripoff of the Honeymooners, but it still had this universally communicable anachronistic vibe .... even exceeding the obvious anachronisms of being set in caveman times. The Flintstones breathed the foul, musty fumes of the repurposed sitcom it was. The plots rotated around mundane issues of jobs and domestic strife and neighborly squabbles. Kids do not care about this bullshit. Same problem with the Jetsons really, though at least there were occasional alien and robot attacks there.

4. Of the Flintstones' many irritations, the one that really annoyed my younger incarnation was the tiresome and endlessly revisited Stone Age technology joke, as in the foot-powered car. These Rube Goldberg contraptions often as not involving an enslaved dinosaur or pterodactyl, and they seemed to use up more energy and resources -- and cause more hassle -- than simple human labor. What is the point of pushing that ridiculous car around with your feet, for God's sake? I was always depressed by the smaller creatures imprisoned under the sink and forced to eat refuse, used as can openers, mounted on vehicles and squeezed to perform as car horns or sirens, etc. What kind of society does that? I'm surprised they didn't have the last remaining Neanderthals yoked up to treadmills or serving as temple prostitutes.

1202204a 5. Don't even get me started on the creepy celebrity guest-toons. Just take a look at Fred with guest "star" Tony Curtis. Try to imagine the effect this has on a child.

6. Finally, it reminds me of a youthful anal-retentive issue (one of many, you might be surprised to learn). Look at Fred Flintstone's eyes in the mural. They are big and saucer-like. Everyone else -- even his own children -- has little dots or little beady eyeballs. It makes it seem as if Fred is always dilated. He's X-ing, man! As a kid, it bothered me when characters on the same cartoon had their features drawn in different ways. I suppose it had to do with making Fred more expressive, but in the end it was crap Hanna-Barbera animation anyway, so who cares.

Stop this crazy thing! Spleen vented? Check. I do like the "D-Block" graffito, though. Props to the homeys on D-Block!

Comments

I have to agree. Even the "Schoolhouse Rock" educational stuff they were stuffing down our wide-open young mouths was better than the Flintstones! (ConJUNCTshun JUNCT-SHUN! Whaz ya FUNKt-shun!)

Real men watched Josie, Hot Wheels, and Skyhawks. As for sappy lil-kid toons, Road Runner and Tom 'n' Jerry were the good stuff!

Posted by: John M. Hicks | December 03, 2004 at 12:05 AM

I think I was more into the Herculoids. Plus also Thundarr once he became available. World's only Saturday-morning dystopian (or diztopian) cartoon.

Posted by: chris m | December 03, 2004 at 03:03 PM

That's Stony Curtis, to you.

Posted by: sac | December 03, 2004 at 04:42 PM

Good God, you're right! I forgot how all the celebs had their names Bedrockized. And of course Google reveals that Stony Curtis appeared in two Flintstones episodes, the second of which revolved around Fred winning Stony's "services" as part of a promotion for Stony's new film, entitled (wait for it) "Slave Boy." Eeeeeyikes. I would pay money for a re-enaction of the "oysters and clams" scene from Spartacus with Fred playing Crassus and Stony "reprising" his Antoninus. "Stony Curtis" is also the nom du amor of a porn star, though he seems to have only appeared in "Big Knockers 23".

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