Dating and Cave Painting Don't Mix

I mean, we only met because she'd seen me painting on the cave wall with ash mixed with boar's blood and berry juice. She was all "Ag, ag, ag, arg," and pointed at this one drawing I did of a bunch of my friends chasing a mammoth. She liked that one and I admit it's pretty good. So she was like "Aaaah, gaaaah, uck," and slapped her chest and waved at some other part of the cave wall, and I went over there and what do you know, she's painting on the wall too! There were some cute drawings of fires and what looked like a bunch of us in the cave, and she also drew a mammoth, but it was with another mammoth. Two mammoths! I banged on the second mammoth and said "Graaaaaaaaa," and she acted like it was nothing that she came up with the idea of two mammoths. Though you know, maybe I was being so complimentary because I just liked the way she stank.

Anyway, I waited until her dad was out of the cave or dead or something -- I'm not really sure who her dad was -- and then I sneaked over and grabbed her and dragged her to my side of the cave. And one thing led to another, oh yeah. It was pretty hot. Neither of us really knew what we were doing, and I was afraid her dad or one of the big alpha males would come over and bash in my head with a rock, but they left us alone. What I'm saying is that it was nice. She was pretty into it.

I might have told my friends about it later, when we were all jumping around and bellowing by the lake, and I know some of them could smell it on me and they're acting like, you're the man. So what, it's how guys talk, and don't tell me that girls don't because I overheard my sister telling her friends once that "oooook ooook oooog" shit, which is just nasty. But then back in the cave one night, this guy I know looked over to where she was sleeping, then looked at me, then looked at the cave wall, then at me. And I was like "Raaaaaaaaagh!" and hit him with a rock. I mean, no way am I going to paint her on the cave wall. Talking to friends is one thing, but anybody can walk by and see a cave painting. Besides, she had started to paint me once, and I didn't like it, so I made low growls until she stopped, and then I urinated on the painting, so I thought we'd reached an understanding that cave painting about each other was off limits.

I saw that guy I hit with the rock later and we were cool, I think he knows I was just playing around, even though I was a little angry. After she came over to my side of the cave for a few nights, I got sort of used to it, everything seemed to be fine. And let me just say that it was still hot and heavy under the bear skins. One afternoon, though, she went out to chew on some grass with her friends, and the brother or father of the guy I hit with the rock came over and grabbed my arm, pulling me across the cave. I thought he was going to kick my ass or hit me with a rock, but then he showed me her side of the cave, where it looked like she had been doing a lot of painting.

Dude, she was doing cave paintings about me! About US! There we were, two stick people talking in the cave, then laying together by the fire, and then there's the stick man still laying there, but now the stick woman is off by herself looking disappointed. But the worst -- the absolute worst -- was showing a bunch of stick men by the lake. OBVIOUSLY it was supposed to be me and my friends, like I have to spend all my time with her now. But in the same drawing, the stick woman is up in the cave LYING DOWN WITH ANOTHER STICK MAN! I couldn't tell who it was, because she drew him sort of anonymously, but I will hit him with so many rocks when I find out ... wouldn't surprise me if it was some other cave painter, the scene is so fucking incestuous. It was absolutely humiliating to know that everyone in the cave saw that stuff. I don't care if it is her art project, you don't get a free pass on being a jerk just because you're an artist.

So that was it. I never went over to her side of the cave again, and when she came to find me a couple times I crawled under the bear skins and pretended I wasn't home. Kind of chickenshit I know, but I didn't want to deal. As for the cave painting, I took the high road. I drew some stick women getting trampled by mammoths, but you can't really tell who it is. I was just blowing off steam. I'm not going to sink to her level. She might still be painting me like a lot of those bitter exes who get into cave painting just to trash people, but that's her problem. But I sure learned that if you get into a relationship with a cave painter, you better be ready for them to paint about you. I mean, I'm not like that, except for this painting of the stick woman getting eaten by a lion. That's totally her. Bitch.

[Editor'z note: This is a parody, inspired by this article (still available here) by this person. The "joke" relies on the fact that the same kind of article gets recycled about email flirting, IMing, text messaging, Google stalking, online dating, and now blogging, etc. The parody contains no resemblance to any persons living or dead besides the cave people described, who are dead, and thus unable to sue.]

Comments

[John M. Hicks]

          Wow. Well done! What a great commentary!

JH

[Enrique Bana]

An excellent and obvious satire, all the cleverer because of its absolute isolation from any and all events that have occurred in your life in the calendar year 2004.

[Furry Fury]

I LOVE this!

As always, I'm your biggest fan!

So much truth in this incredibly funny great piece!

Love the writing!

I'm sending it around to all my bestest online buddies!

[chris m]

Calendar AND fiscal year, Enrique ... as to the praise from JH and FF, thanks. Please form a receiving line to the left. sign up for the fan club and receive free autographed photo and decoder ring.

[Browncoyote]

That is exactly why I dont date writers. But none the less it made me laugh. Damn cave chicks always trying to breed upward to make the perfect cave painters. Bene Gesserit witches. *paraniod twitches as the coyote darts into the shadows.*

[Alex22]

Nice information... Thanks for sharing....

[Alex22]

Nice information... Thanks for sharing....