We Ain't Bustin' Jesus

Some might think I have a grudge against my ol' hometown rag, the Birmingham News, just because I've occasionally mocked their articles. But that simply ain't so. In fact, News reporters' near-Onion level of dry wit and excellent choice of quotes when covering local freakazoids are the best things about the paper. Consider several choice bits from today's delectable piece, "Leeds police order man off cross":

Leeds police forced a hairstylist who dressed up as Jesus and drenched himself in fake blood to come down off a 14-foot-tall cross he set up in front of his hair salon on Monday.

My God, could this be the most promising lede ever? Are there not at least four screenplays inherent in that one sentence? Let's continue:

Patrick Conaty, owner of Running With Scissors hair and nail salon in downtown Leeds, got up on the cross about 2 p.m., his bald head fitted with a long black wig and his waist wrapped in a sheet splattered with red stains. He declared it "Salvation Awareness Day."

Despite their newfound salvation awareness, workers at nearby businesses were unamused:

"I think he needs some clothes on," said Reda Wilson, who works at The Warehouse, a bargain store across the street. "I think he needs to get down."

"I don't know why it's in the middle of downtown Leeds," said Alice Crumpton, a Pants Store employee. "It's just one of those things."

"It's sacrilegious," said Steve McDaniel, owner of nearby Rock House Gym in Leeds. "If they did it in church, that's fine. Downtown's not the place for that."

The philistine citizenry were not alone in their discontent. Soon Caesar's man came to assess the scene, and he was quite prepared to have words with our messiah:

Leeds police Officer Wendell Carter ... arrived at 2:30 p.m. and persuaded Conaty to come down off his cross, saying he needed a demonstration permit.

"We called City Hall for a crucifixion permit," Conaty yelled down with his arms outstretched on the eight-foot-wide crossbeam.

After confirming that there had actually been no crucifixion permit issued, Officer Carter called for backup:

Police Chief Tony Hudson and City Manager Donnie Womble soon arrived on the scene. They noted that Conaty had blocked off parking spaces by tying a string from a tree to a potted plant to the back of a Ford pickup truck. "Blocking parking - not supposed to do that," Womble said.

"We ain't bustin' Jesus," Womble said. "We don't want to put Jesus in jail."

But city officials did make Conaty clean the fake blood stains off the new sidewalk, which Leeds had spent $381,000 to upgrade this year. Conaty, wearing a crown of thorns, poured bleach on the stains and used a push broom to clean them off. He said he got the blood from a party store.

O God, hear my prayer: If I could have just one photo magically sent to me depicting any moment in time, it would be this moment, when Your Son is sweeping party-store blood off a new sidewalk in central Alabama. Thank You, Lord. Flannery O'Connor never had it so good. And I'm afraid I will be risking a libel suit by using Donnie Womble's real name in the movie version, because you just don't pass up a gift like that.

On an unrelated note in the same paper: State school superintendent proposes better education for invisible children. "We will, I think for the first time in the history of this state, turn the page in history where we no longer have invisible children," quoth the superintendent. I strongly agree. I been tellin' the police for years about those invisible children gettin' into my tomato patch. They need to go to school and get off the streets. Maybe next they can do somethin' about those damned invisible spiders that keep layin' eggs in my brain. Hurts somethin' awful.

Comments

[John M. Hicks]

                Yep, we have a little cool weather here in August, and people just go bonkers. I resist, resent, and resemble the idiot educator Morton's comments about "invisible children." Invisible is GOOD! There is less chance of being shot, knifed, or having one's lunch money stolen... But we all know that gang clothes and dyed hair cause all of that misbehavior, don't we, Mr. Morton?

JH

[Patrick-the guy on the cross]

Here is the letter the citizens of Leeds sent to Donnie Womble.....

To Leeds City Council,

Gentleman, I am aghast at the horrible publicity about the city of Leeds in the Birmingham News article published Tuesday, August 10th, 2004. It was an absolute embarrassment to know that the million or so residents of the Birmingham area saw this article, and thought how ridiculous the citizens of Leeds must be. Even NBC Channel 13 had a brief story on it, and was also carried by the AP press to all 50 states. Imagine the people and neighbors who think of Leeds as the laughingstock on the country. What country bumpkins they must think we are out here in Leeds, Al. What a negative image projected for Leeds while we are struggling into the new Millennia.

Now, I am sure you think I'm referring to the shop owner that purposely attempted and successfully completed to make his public spectacle known. He is NOT the problem I am speaking of. The shop owner has every right to follow his heart and to practice his religion, regardless of what I, or you think of him. In fact, my service in the military was to protect EXACTLY the rights for people like him to worship as they want to. They need to get the appropriate permits to demonstrate of course, but that's the freedoms we enjoy. The freedom to be a spectacle, a nut. or whatever you want to be. Let me say this again: The shop owner, although in my opinion went overboard, is not the embarrassing problem we have. We've grown up here in Leeds and have seen all kinds of religious zealots in our history. We have churches nearby that do spiritual healings, talk in tongues, handle snakes, etc. We even have a pilgrimage over to Shoal Creek Road! We are used to the religious spectacles and antics. There is nothing new about that in Leeds. We have a looooooooong history of religious spectacles: and we take it with a grain of salt. Many are our own good neighbors & some, our own family members. And they have a RIGHT to express their religion any way they wish.

The embarrassment I am referring to is the Leed's City Manager, Donnie Womble, quoted in the paper saying "We ain't bustin' Jesus!" That sounds like a backwoods country hick! I mean, it sounds like an uneducated redneck from Gooberville that just fell off the turnip truck. It's bad enough we the spectacle of the guy on the cross dressed like Jesus, but this IS a representative of our City of Leeds that doesn't even know how to use proper English.

Do you think this is cute? Do you this is actually funny? It is you men of the city council that installed this bumpkin in office that just shot our progress in the foot. Whose idea was it to hire him? Who voted to for this uneducated amateur to speak like that for the citizens of Leeds? How do you expect to attract serious investment money to Leeds with displays of stupidity like we are a hick town? We are just now getting a Bass Pro Shop to locate here, and every bit of progress we are desperately trying to make is shot in the foot by stupid thinking and bush league comments to the media like this. What educated, intellegent, factory or business owner is going to be impressed with the Goober Pyle city manager and want to invest in Leeds?

Gentlemen, you chose this amateur. This reflects you! Is this what you stand for, as you represent the citizens of Leeds? Is this the quality of good judgment we can expect from you? This was your idea of a "good choice" for Leeds in hiring him? Are you that naive and uneducated also? I'm going to make a bet with you. I bet that we, Leeds, can find a more educated, more qualified, more professional, more experienced, and a better class of person to do the same, or probably even better job of representing Leeds. Also I might add, at a lot LESS salary than we are paying now. What do you think? Would you take the bet?

"We ain't gonna bust Jesus!." How absurd!

From many concerned Leeds citizens.

[chris m]

That's quite a screed... Certainly "We ain't bustin' Jesus" is eminently quotable classic redneck. And I absolutely agree that Mr. Conaty (if that's indeed who posted the letter above) has the right to enact his display/performance within the limits of the law insamuch as anyone has such a right. But once we've all diplomatically agreed to these rights, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that a Jesus freakshow is a freakshow nontheless. I've spent a lot of time in Leeds, including a few evenings in the late, lamented Fuzzy Mule (note to non-Alabamians: I'm not making that name up), and the community is hardly a hotbed of libertines that needs reminding about Jesus. Now, Patrick-on-the-cross may disagree, and may in fact opine that you can't have enough Jesus in your day. But if you make a public spectacle of yourself, you should expect a public reaction (including mockery). And one of the innaresting things about Southern Christianity is that even the most evangelical often don't want the bloody screaming Jesus in their face while they're running out to the store for Coke and Doritos.

[Patrick Conaty]

Actually the guy above me does not get it.....I will explain my actions...

So why did I do this? Why hang on a cross? Well, let me start back about 6 months ago, when James Dobson, in tears, told of the "Family Values Act" being voted down and catapulting the destruction of family values and add to the breakdown of the sanctity of marriage.

Well, that started it, I want FAMILY VALUES. Don't you? My God, I don't want my sons and daughters to drink and drug themselves into oblivion like I did. Do you?

Why? What? and When? does family values have to do with Drugs and Alcohol...? Everything!!! Broken families leave kids with broken hearts, and thanks to our courts, the public school system has had to remove Christ and Prayer and the Bible from school. Drugs and Alcohol, and Homosexuality REIGN!!! Let me ask you something, who is attracted to these other ways of happiness? Unhappy kids that's who, blended family kids, lonely and lost kids, and yes Christian kids, and soon, oh yes, the blended kids of divorced gay couples, that is who.

Parents and Christians today sound like Charlie Brown's Parents...wuwawuwakkwwaaauull....blah, blah, blah...they have so much to SAY but "say nothing". BUT WHAT IS THE AVERAGE CHRISTIAN DOING? Some are doing,don't get me wrong,,,, a very small remnant. Sitting on a pew ain't changing nothing, teaching Sunday school ain't changing nothing. Sure, Sunday school teachers, you are teaching children Christ, but it's getting X'd out in their class room!!!

The bigger, the church the better the Christian? NOT! Are Pastor's preaching truth or feeding the masses what they want to hear? You be the judge of that.

Look around you, divorce, abortion, homosexuality (in a textbook near you SOON) gossiping, cursing, drinking (the number one reason of abuse and leading cause of death) smoking....you mean to tell me that 87% of all the U.S. are Christians. (The POLL says!!) Oh really. Just take a look around you today at school, the water cooler, the wood yard, the body shop, the teacher's lounge.....THE CHURCH PEWS!!! Are we in trouble? You tell me!!

So why did I do that, hang on a cross, well I wanted to have a "Salvation Awareness Day" in Leeds. On the first day of school, you know, the schools we can't pray in. It was little at first, then local news, then CNN, then Foxfire, the over 1700 news channels in the U.S. Did I do it for my business. No, I covered up my name and number. Did I do it for attention. Yes. Attention to the Cross! Did I do if for Jesus, I believe so, and you may disagree.

Did it bring salvation awareness in that 29 minutes on the cross....well.....through these tear stained eyes typing this letter and with a softened heart, I want to believe that everyone closed there eyes and looked at Calvary just one MORE time........and asked "Am I Really Saved"?

Lord Bless you and yours.
Patrick Conaty

[Live4Christ]

Well I am not sure what exactly happened on this “ Salvation Awareness Day” but it is my duty to tell you that Christ does. He knows and He saw your heart and your effort. It sounds as if you are truly hurt and I find my heart going out to you because I myself have been largely misunderstood by people- including the brethren. But God will never forsake you. I pray that you continue to be bold for the cross. That you continue to allow Christ to move you. You will be rewarded far greater than you can imagine in heaven. Remember that Christ himself was mocked and persecuted. In fact everyone who wants to live a Godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted (2 Timothy 3:12). I admonish you Patrick to read 2 Timothy 3. I am hoping that it will bring you some reassurance and encouragement. I will lift you up in my prayers. I will pass this on. I hope with all sincerity that you continue to seek after God with all your heart. Listen to Him. Remember, that when we pray we are also supposed to listen and not just speak He will steer you in the best direction of how to voice the message of Christ and what He did on the cross
Your Sister In Christ,
Jessekah