Soylent Kreme!

As previously mentioned, Krispy Kreme has developed a new product that, if fully realized, would be comparable in importance to penicillin, the Bible, or the opposable thumb. We're talking about the drinkable donut, or as KK prefers to more innocuously call it, the "frozen blended beverage." We learned from the press release that the foundation flavor is "Frozen Original Kreme," which KK describes as "the signature flavor of our Original Glazed doughnut captured in a creamy frozen blend." There are also raspberry, latte, and double chocolate flavors, and coffee may be added for a further taste-splosion.

As a longtime Krispy Kreme enthusiast, I set off to determine if mankind was ready for this evolutionary leap forward. Arriving at KK with trusty Agent L (pictured above, undercover) as backup, I inquired of the dour KK kounter-man, prithee, what is the Frozen Blended Beverage made of? "It's a drink," he answered. Yes, that I got from the poster showing the product as a liquid in a cup, but what's in it? Milk? Is it like a milkshake thing? At this point, his jaw began working mechanically, and he called for his manager. Uh oh.

The manager came storming up to the counter, and when we asked her the same questions, she barked "It's a blended ... frozen beverage!" She was sticking to the company line, even though it should have been rendered "frozen blended beverage." But before she could call security, the counterman suddenly interjected, "We don’t know what it is. It's just powder. They just send it to us and we mix it with ice." I thought the manager was going to snap his head off for such impertinence.

But he was right! I ordered a Frozen Original Kreme, and this calmed the manager enough to retreat to her lair. Her minion busied himself with preparing the beverage, which indeed involved spooning a portion of gray powder from this canister into a pitcher.

Said pitcher was then inserted into a needlessly gigantic blender contraption while the counterman fetched an appropriate amount of ice (see where the "frozen blended" part comes in?). The counterman asked if I wanted whipped cream on top. Of course! Too bad though, because they were out of whipped cream. Oh well. Give it to me straight up, barkeep.

And here you have it: the simple, unrefined Frozen Original Kreme in all its glory. Enticing, no? Could this be the final, perfect union between cool refreshing beverage and satisfying donutty goodness? Might it be true that man will no longer need solid food? Would it be possible to just freebase that donut powder for a direct connection between cosmic donut essence and the human soul? I donned the holy headcovering and prepared to taste the divine.

Extremely sensitive equipment was used to capture the above photographic sequence. Approximately one picosecond separates my first ingestion of Frozen Original Kreme from the expression of extreme disgust and revulsion shown here. It was one of the most unpleasant gustatory experiences I've endured, and this from a man who ate nine chocolate iced kreme filled at one sitting. Imagine a cup of powdered non-dairy creamer forcibly united with a flavorless slushee, and you pretty much have the idea. In the name of science, I took four sips, and that was enough to put me off my feed well past lunch. Agent L took one sip and fled to Queens in tears.

I can only assign blame for this abomination to a villain that already has much to answer for: Atkins. That devil's diet has driven the flock away from righteousness and besotted the minds of KK executives into unleashing any defense, even one as distasteful as the Frozen Original Kreme. One can only hope the powers that be will consign this ill-considered concept to the wastebin as quickly as I discarded my one and only sampling of same. Let the Atkinsians have their low-carb bread made from sawdust and shredded newspapers. Let us not besmirch the temple of Kreme with this liquid idolatry.

Comments

[chris m]

I reckon I was asking for that ..

[John M. Hicks]

But... I seem to recall that this drink promised in the same neighborhood of unhealthy stats as a doughnut! Does this mean, that not only does one poison oneself similarly, but that the thing is basically a flat, instant shake? Gad, I've had enough shake-base no-syrup milkshakes already! (Micky D's milkshakes come to mind... Yuck!)

Carbs are our friends, people! Wheat is the ORIGINAL CARB SOURCE! It made civilization possible. Screw Atkins! HE DIED! Get it? My dad is older than him, still building furniture, and smoked three packs a day for 60 years, and still drinks 8-10 alcholic drinks a day!

Diets come and go, but good taste never goes out of style. You'd think the folks at KK would know that!

JH

[John M. Hicks]

                It is a dark day for sugar bingers! And has typepad imunized itself against my HTML paragraph indents? Or is it bad-typing day, too?

JH

[John M. Hicks]

                Ah! Forgot the spaces!

JH

[Lileks]

It all started to head to hell when I could buy KKs at the local gas station. I don't want a KK that has moved more than four yards from its birthplace.

[Rebecca]

Sorry, pal -- you can't blame Atkins for this one. The 20 oz. double chocolate version of this monstrosity has 740 calories and 160 grams of carbs -- emphatically NOT Atkins compatible.

Nope, the KK people bear all the responsibility for this one. Thanks for the review!

[chris m]

KK donuts sold at non-KK venues are not to be trusted... I've seen specimens at convenience stores -- supposedly "Delivered Fresh Daily" -- that looked less like KK product and more like embalmed organs scavenged from canopic jars.

As to Atkins culpability, it's not that this drink is meant for Atkins drones. It's that the generalized Atkins assault upon KK has forced them to try harebrained schemes like this. And if the bad times progress and my local KK closes, I'll buy up all that unused, high-carb donut dust and surreptitiously sprinkle it on every Atkins entree I see.

[kevino]

Great writing!

However, is this truly the worst drink idea known to man? Consider:

http://www.meatshake.com/

[Dale]

Chris, man, I think your reporting on Soylent Kreme might have touched off some warning bells inside the federal government. Details are still sketchy, but the long knives might be unsheathed here:

http://news.google.com/news?hl=en&edition=us&ie=ascii&q=Krispy+Kreme+SEC

[chris m]

Well, I suppose their financial troubles are shock to no one. But if KK disintegrates as a result, I'll be forced to go bankrupt purchasing my own Krispy Kreme donut machine, just to keep my personal donut supply intact.

[John M. Hicks]

                It's another one of those accounting fraud deals. It became so widespread in the 1990s that most US companies are just an independent audit away from indictments. A few trials, a goat will be found and might spend a few months in minimum security, and they re-capitalize and go on. Enrons are the exception, not the rule. See, Healthsouth is still merrily overcharging the crap out of us, and Mr. Scrushy will not spend one day in jail, I'll bet... After all, dozens of loyal Scrushy flunkies have gladly sacrificed themselves to the blunt, rusted sawblade of the US Justice Department!

JH

[Paly]

I actually work at Krispy Kreme, and those drinks are good, the original kreme is kind of on the sweet side, but all the other ones are good.

[chris m]

Well, I respect your service to the land of donuts, Paly, but I must disagree. Sweet is not a problem for me, while powdery, acrid chemical-ly taste, is. But maybe you can use your KK korporate konnections to find out what's actually in the powder. That would go a long way to reassuring the public I think.

[Furry Fury]

Hi there!

This week the kids and I finally tried these things.

The special reason, ironically, for this was the kids' good dental cleanings and check ups!

The kids got perfect reports and beforehand we had decided on rewards and consequences for good and bad check ups. My daughter wanted to try the “drinkable donut” at Kristy Kream. That sounded good to my son as well. So off we went!

KK doesn’t have a really close store to our location so we had a bit of a drive. That may be a blessing in disguise since we LOVE their donuts so much!

My daughter got the double chocolate and my son the original. I tasted both. Then ordered two-dozen donuts to go! One dozen plain glazed, and one mixed with four chocolate covered for my son, four cream filled chocolate covered for my daughter, and four cream filled plain glazed for me.

( I swear those last are almost as good as sex! And almost as messy!)

I thought both drinks were good but the original was the best.

My son kept drinking a sip and saying “Wow!” his eyes' rolling back in his head, over and over.

Other comments from my eleven-year-old son were;

“It’s like taking a ride on a whipped cream train!”

“It’s like drinking liquid sugar!”

“Wow! Wow! Wow!”

My daughter was not quite as vocal but she liked it too.

I’m guess that you Sir got a badly mixed one and after all with no whipped cream, well, that is just a travesty! What is the point if there is no whipped cream? I am constantly surprised when baristas ask me if I want whipped cream OF COURSE! I want every last sugary whipped thing that can come my way! Doesn’t everybody? Or is that just me?

Furry Fury

[chris m]

Impossible. Since they are just ice blended with powder, they can't be mixed badly (or goodly). Of course, it would have been better with whipped cream, but so would a cup o' chipped ice. Stick with the donuts, as those are the proper KK sacrament.

[Justan Kinsel]

i think its bull shit

[SUYZ CHEN]

Dear Sirs,

This is Suzy of Xu-Yuan Packaging Technology Co., Ltd., a pioneer manufacturer in Shrink sleeve machinery and shrink film. Committed and dedicated to provide quality consumable material, shrink sleever and after-sales service for our customer. We hold a working team with over 30 experienced technical staffs. Each specialized in Shrink machinery, shrink film.

To meet customer and market's demands, we continually focus on develop new machinery to suit all application and vast industries. Our engineers are always kept motivated to take on new challenges and brain storming for innovation.

Our commitment is to provide optimum shrink packaging solution. To find out what we can offer, please do not hesitate to email us.

With our best wishes,



Suzy Chen
Executive
International Marketing

XU YUAN PACKAGING TECHNOLOGY LTD .
E-MAIL : suzy@xuyuan.cty.com.tw
HTTP:// www.xuyuanpack.com
HSINCHU OFFICE: CHIAYI OFFICE:
NO.169, KENG TZU KOU , SHANG KENG VILLAGE , HSINFENG HSIANG , HSINCHU HSIEN , TAIWAN NO.155 - 5 , SANJIE VILLAGE , SHUEISHANG HSIANG , CHIAYIHSIEN 608 , TAIWAN
TEL：886 - 3 - 559 - 7799 (REP) FAX：886 - 3 - 557 - 7260 TEL：886 - 5 - 230 - 0728 (REP) FAX：886 - 5 - 230 - 0738

[Naomi Reynolds]

Please open a kristy kreme doughnut at Wyandotte County in Kansas City kansas at the Village West

[Enrique Bana]

Thanks for your request, Naomi. We will have a KK franchise open at your requested location by the end of the month.

[chris m]

God damn, Ms. Chen, but I'm glad you contacted me. I need several dozen dismembered human body parts shrink-wrapped and vacuum-packed for international shipment. Can you help me? They're starting to stink and the police keep asking questions. As for the new Krispy Kreme in Wyandotte County, I'm afraid that's a no-go. We here at the KK home office have a strick no-Kansas-City policy due to our allegiance to Mephis barbecue. Sorry ma'am.

[Liberator]

Hey let's go get another drinkable donut!

On the surface that's just wrong. It must be for the 600lb'er that has gotten to lazy to chew. Next McDonalds will come out with the drinakble quarter pounder.

[tawann]

I,m interested in franchise of klisty kream for to run business in Thailand.I would like to know about your policy and a way to do for a franchisee.plese giving me for more information.
Thank you

tawanthip@gmail.com

[Beastboy]

what is the freak special doughnut