If you're like me -- and of course you are -- you wonder about the different types of Spring Street Personals ads that pop up on various Web sites. Obviously certain cuts of love-meat are geared toward certain sites and their assumed demographic. But how do they stack up against each other in single combat? Get it? Single combat!
This Week: Gawker Personals vs. Salon Personals!
Here we have alice_in_nyc, rereformed, girlofgotham, and msmet. Curiously, Gawker is the only one of the Gawker Media siblings that runs personals (not counting the "adult friend finder" on Fleshbot). No question that alice_in_nyc is a fresh-faced little minx. And she mentions Walter Benjamin in her profile, so you know she's all smart and stuff. rereformed is shirtless and scowly in all his pics, and he mentions astrology, so he will of course be shot. girlofgotham seems nice enough even though she's showing a bit too much gum. And msmet is a little too close to the camera, but she makes up for that with a naughty reference to candy-based sodomy.
On the Salon side of the court, we have the Magnificent Chin Assault Squad: rp1973, kissygalore, aaronoutthere, and kogepanesque. Even my own Habsburgian jawline must yield the day to rp1973's amazing mandible, which looks like it could bash through reinforced concrete. kissygalore may not have as big a chin, but she's got a nice set of choppers to make up for it. Adam Arkin isn't fooling anyone with his "aaronoutthere" pseudonym, and kogepanesque threatens that "you would be willing to accompany me on vintage furniture excursions." Oh, would I?
ANALYSIS:
Gawker's personals are all in New York City, which is no surprise; Salon's hail from Washington, DC, and inexplicably, Florida. So my plan to portray this as East Coast vs. West Coast collapses immediately. Salon is based in San Francisco. What, are there no beautiful people out there? Or just no lonely people? Advantage: Gawker!
But then we have rereformed and his tattoo and shirtlessness. He doesn't look erotically posed, just hungover and smelly. Could he not rouse his lazy ass even for his personals photo? Should we have a different standard for man-seeks-man ads? Is there a secret code I'm missing here? Of course not! I see all! Advantage: Salon!
But in the end, which gang would totally cut you? I'm thinking the Gawker posse. You just know that underneath msmet's perky exterior is a burning desire to shank that triangle-headed rp1973. Plus, the Salon-targeted personals seem a bit kinder, gentler, and generally wussified.
WINNER: Gawker.
PRIZES: Lloyd Grove's smoldering gaze, Adam Moss's rolodex, Cindy Adams's smoldering corpse.
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